想你

A typical routine

2011-12-19T10:36:00.000+08:00

730am - milking session while Jeff takes Renzo for a bath

900am - feeding time

930am - napping time

12pm - feeding time followed by play time

1pm - milking session while Renzo takes his afternoon nap

3pm - feeding time followed by play time (reading)

4-5pm - occasional nap time

6pm - feeding time followed by play time

630pm - koala hug time cos getting colicky/ whiny

8pm - milking session

830-9pm - feeding time followed by wipe up, then play time (reading)

10pm - Renzo's bedding time

11pm - milking session

12mn - feeding time

3am - feeding time (sometime missed)

6am - feeding time

This is how my typical day is spent with Renzo and its coming to an end soon as my 16weeks maternity leave finishes. Boring? Maybe but i will sure missed it. :)

New Chapter

2011-11-23T17:08:00.001+08:00

Yes, a new chapter as I embarked this never-ending journey of parenthood and mummy-hood. What I've went through during pregnancy is peanuts because this is THE real deal.

Its has been a series of illnesses for me since Renzo is out of my womb. Just two weeks after delivery, I've caught mastitis with a record high fever of over 40deg and the list just went on:

- three times mastitis on the same location with fever and body aches,

- two/ three days of runny tummy and vomiting,

- one week's suffering of hives (supposedly due to drug allergy) - itchy itchy itchy, and

- two times aspiration for the lump on my breast (O U C H !).

These have already went beyond my usual quota of falling sick! Just think about all the jabs and medications I've been taking. Jeff is also not better from me as he had to take up the role of a confinement lady after the confinement auntie left, taking care of the mother and baby. But oh well... all is finally well again. I'm still on medication now for the lump and condition has been improving.

So my dear son, this is what your parents had gone through since you were out and its only the beginning. I haven't talk about your inconsolable cries and screams, and countless of sleepless nights.

Unlike some new parents who have the support from their families, we technically don't have any. Jeff's family are in Malaysia and my mum has passed on. So we are pretty much on our own but I'm very grateful that i have friends who are readily available to help and advice whenever possible. So kudos to my buddies if you are reading this post (you know who you are ;) ).

I'm still trying to cope being a mummy, deciphering Renzo's needs and be zen towards his cries/ screams. So let this never-ending journey begins with many new adventures to be discovered.

Is disappointed. Period

2011-10-17T21:20:00.001+08:00

if only...

2011-09-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

Was walking back home from the train station and saw a granny chit-chatting with her grandchild at the playground.

If only you are still around to witness and grow old together with your grandchild.... If only...

2 more months

2011-07-20T22:44:00.000+08:00

With July coming to an end in the next 1week's plus time, i cant help but think what life will be when October catches up on me. Another 2 more months to see our lil boy! Mixed emotions for sure are welling all over within. Joy and anxiety, hope and fear, sufficiency and yet insufficiency at the same time. Conflicting feelings and thoughts as motherhood catches up closer onto me each day.

May He be in control for all things and let everything falls in it's place according to His grace.

a time of change

2011-05-16T17:24:00.000+08:00

The time has come as i begin to embrace motherhood. As i stepped into my 18th week now, all i wished and hoped for is not the gender of the baby but its a healthy baby, beating healthily for mummy. I'm sure this is the very wish for all mummies too. There are times when I'm worried that the heart beat of my baby may stop for no reason (yes, touch wood! but this is also how paranoid i get at times). So, baby (lil jeff or lil lea), continue to beat for daddy and mummy ok! :)

While this is a time for change for me physically and biologically and for the small family we've formed, it's also a change for Jeff as he took the leap of faith to career switch to finance/ banking line. Its something that he has been thinking of all these while. Bad timing? Maybe yes, especially when we are expecting our lil one but then again i suppose there can never be a good timing to wait in life. So just do it, as Nike says it always. As his life partner, i can only give him the support he needed to pull this through so may God's grace be on him during this trying period. As for me, a job switch as i always wanted has to be put on hold since now I'm preggie and he's career switching.

So though the 2nd half of 2011 is a trying period for us, may it also build this family up even stronger than ever. So keep us in your prayers please.

Thank you :)

First time

2011-03-02T21:02:00.000+08:00

Its the first time i heard you. Please keep on beating for me! :)

A dedication to you

2011-02-16T16:01:00.000+08:00

Today marks the day you left this world and i hope you are living well up in heaven. Three years have passed since and though the pain of losing you still remains, i have also come to terms on your departure.

Thank you for bringing me into this world and mothering me unconditionally for the past 26 years of my life. Your love and care has always been unconditional despite of my days of rebellion. I will always remember how you make sure that we have clean and nicely ironed clothes to wear, warm and nice beds to rest in. Without fail, you will always make sure breakfast is ready for us even as we stepped into our working lives. You are always the first to wake up and last to sleep, making sure that every corner of the house is in order.

You have tolled all your life and finally you have rested. But this is also my biggest regret as i have not been as filial as i ought to towards you. By the time i realised it, its too late because you have left. It is only on here that i can thank you, hoping you can see it and know.

Thank you for everything, Mummy.

CNY 2011

2011-02-05T22:02:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since i ate my dad's cooking and i got to have it twice this CNY. Once last nite, a vegetarian steamboat dinner amongst our family and this afternoon when the cousins came to visit. Its nice having him to cook for us and i think he's happy too, having us eating together with him. Time flies and he seems to have changed too over these years after my mum has left us. Not that he misses her i think but more so to live not taking things at home for granted as there's no longer one who will look after of the household except him now.

I think he's feeling lonely these days despite of his own social activities. Not sure how frequent my bro goes back but i'm sure its definitely more frequent than me. Maybe i should take more effort to visit him this year. Somehow sensed that he tried to chat up with me wherever possible. Probably becos i hardly visited.

Maybe this CNY 2011's resolution should be frequent visits back home.

God is still here

2011-01-27T00:22:00.000+08:00

Well... believe or not. He is here and have helped me find my missing wedding band just this Monday!

So big question is how did it happen for His miraculous hand and my utterly unforgiving deed (to think that I'm just a 1-year old wife and i actually lost our wedding band!)? Well, I have a habit of "turning" my rings on my fingers and even taking them out once in awhile (its a habit so dun ask me why i do that!). Then there was just this fateful day that i clearly remembered that I've put on my rings that I've left it on my laptop before stepping out for lunch (another habit, dun ask me why i left it on my laptop). While waiting for the bus at the bus stop, my habit kicked in (the "turning and taking out"), then bus came and I board it. Next moment i freaked out, realising that my wedding band was no longer on my finger!!! I got my colleague to double check my cubi (in case I've left it there and forgot) and troubled her to search the bus stop while i waited for the bus to make its way back to the office again. Then she called, informing that she couldn't find it anywhere! (Double freaked out!)

So anyway to cut the long story short, I've searched the bus stop once i alighted, checked the route that i took earlier and there was nothing. Until when i got back to my cubi to triple check and there i saw my wedding band, lying on my laptop! (phew & yes, THANK GOD!!!) When the same colleague came to know where I found it, she was equally puzzled cos she checked it earlier! I dunno how it got back there but seriously, thank you Lord becos I knew its You who've helped me!

Random. Marriage

2010-12-29T16:51:00.000+08:00

Was taking time off to browse through Tinydot's work. It reminded me of my own wedding then and of cos remembrance of the happy moments, those laughter, joy and happy tears.

Wedding or rather i should say, Marriage. The beginning and end of life.

Beginning of a new life together and the end of living for self. No longer a me-decision but a we-decision.

Beginning of bringing in a new life into this world and the end of a just-us lifestyle.

Wedding is just the start of what's gonna come into our lives. We stop living for ourselves but start living for one another. Every conscious decision made is for the well-being of our partner, more than our own at times. Eventually as the new life enters into our lives, it's calls for even more sacrifices to be made. I'm still learning, still learning not to take my good husband for granted.

Well... These are the thoughts of a 1-year old wife. Maybe by the time this 1-year old wife turns two, she maybe becoming a 1-year old mother :)

New year, old pain

2010-12-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

Another new year is approaching, leaving it with just less than 2 weeks.

Another round of old pain will resurface more evidently, in another month's time with the new year starting.

I think i will just simply hate going through February, maybe even CNY at certain point.

Sigh....

Second death

2010-11-30T23:07:00.000+08:00

I have been catching up on my reading on Mitch's Have a little faith. Its not a thick book but i got kinda frustrated with myself for taking a long time to complete it. Still not finished with the book until today but there was a particular part that caught my attention.

Second death - forgotten after passing away. I wondered if i have forgotten my mum after 2 years of her absence in my life. I haven't been catching up in my visits to her at the temple and somehow, similarly on my dad. I have not contacted him since I've returned. Why? I dunno.. Just din contact. Time flies and the 3rd year is approaching as the new year is about to start again in a month's time. I'm two minds as the new year approaches.. Sometime i just wish that time can stand still and everything remains in place with no changes but reality always bites to wake me up...

And it hurts.

Catch up @ Wavehouse

2010-11-20T17:08:00.000+08:00

Two times this week, I've visited Wavehouse. Did a ride for the first visit then did drinks and catchup for the second visit. It felt like a year ago before this attraction was opened. We played, chatted and had lotsa laughter with friends i have not seen for quite a while last nite. All good fun and nostalgic too. Well.. i guess the only difference was the absence of one person. J and I had the same sentiments but we wished him well and were both glad that he's coping great at the attraction named after fast cars :)

out of sight, out of mind

2010-11-17T22:23:00.000+08:00

This is something a fren mentioned to me and i think its true to a certain extent when you dun wish to be too reminded over some things. So out of sight, out of mind. Go simple and dun let that complicated brain interwined you up with more complications.

Somebody

2010-11-11T00:26:00.000+08:00

"I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who"ll stand by my side
And in return
He'll get my support
He will listen to me
When i want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me"

Think i have found that somebody :)

ROMAntic

2010-10-16T04:37:00.000+08:00

Love seems to be in the air in lovely Rome. Couples hand in hand are a common sight everywhere n seems to be more evident here. Public expression of affection are also commonly seen. Gives one the feeling that love is constantly in the Rome air :)

Though it was just 2days in Rome, we've managed to cover the essential must-see and came out ultra beat now. Today was the worst. I've walked till the veins on my feet pop out so clearly. *ouch*. Even on the way back to the guesthouse, I can't help but fall asleep once in a while. In fact, I was a lil pissed with jeff today cos he enjoy getting lost by wanting to pop to any random bus but I'm not so thrilled abt it. Anyway, tat din happen in the end (thank goodness!). But after today I've concluded that jeff is super ambitious to cover every single thing wherever possible. To think that in the beginning of our trip he was telling me to relax and it's ok not able to see everything but now he's the one who aim to do so! Haha.. What to do? Guess he's trying to make every single cent worth ;)

Florence await us tomorrow n I'm looking forward to open up the floodgates of shopping at the factory outlets when we go over!! Hahaha! Ok till then people, sleep awaits me now when my lao ban already deep in lala land. Ciao!

Rojak post

2010-10-09T14:30:00.000+08:00

This is a rojak post as i figured it will be. I have not been blogging for more than a month from my last post. Well.. its not that there aren't any incidents that had happened during this period but its just that with our finally-coming-to-realisation-overdue-honeymoon arriving in less than a week's time, there seems to be alot of things not done, be it for the trip or for our jobs.

I went to pay my dad a visit before Mooncake fest to pass him mooncake and to see him at the same time i supposed. I have not gone to visit him since Father's day. He seems to miss me quite a fair bit i think.. Gave me the feeling that there were alot of things he wanna share with me, even though they were trival matters. He mentioned that his memory was failing him these days, either accidentally throwing something he needed away or misplacing things. Its a sign of old age. I felt these visits were obligatory as a daughter but not so much coming from within but if it makes him happier to see me (which I'm not sure why) then i think i should pay more visits to him. I stayed so close and yet I'm the furthest to him. If my mum is still around, i suppose situation will be different.

We celebrated our 1st yr anniversary as a married couple. It put me in remembrance of how he has loved me, proposed to me on that fateful day and how he has sacrificed for me in big things and small. It was a cozy celebration of spending time together with a dinner out. Felt like we were still dating cos this year he was so busy with work that we hardly have times like this. Time seems to have fly passed us so quickly. Its actually quite scary when you come to think about it. Year after year, what can you do to keep the passion going for each other? I have news of friend who called off wedding almost at the eleventh hour and couple together for close to 5years but broke up in the end. These did not happen because of a third party but i suppose relationship is very fragile and have to constantly handled with care. I'm glad that we have Sparkle cos she kinda fill up our empty gaps when we are busy with our things individually. There is also more common topics to talk about (and argue, haha). Oh well.. only time will tell whether there is "happily ever after" but for now, i will just enjoy the happy, unhappy, bitter, sweet momentS.

I look forward to my 2 weeks of break from work and finally touring in Europe, though couple of countries are running travel alert cos of terrorism (what "great" timing). Anyway, may we enjoy the trip and get back safe and sound :)

太早

2010-09-05T21:22:00.004+08:00

你走了，我无法像你照顾我那样的照顾你。

你走了，没能轻眼看见我的婚礼。我知道那是你一路来想看到的。

你走了，我没能有这机会带你去看我们的新居。

你走了，我再没有这机会问你以后我怀孕的事。

你走了，无法和你未来的孙子一起生活。

为什么你走得那么早？我还有好多，好多，真的好多，事想和你说。好多地方想带你去。好多东西想和你一起做。但都已没有这个机会了。没了。

我好后悔为什么没在你还在的时候做这些事。为什么？

A life together and yet not

2010-08-25T23:18:00.003+08:00

Its probably due to the stress at work or the familiarity with each other's presence, i realised we tend to communicate lesser and lesser these days...

At home, though we see each other, we speak lesser. When outside, we seems to chat a little bit more over phone conversations. He is either watching his tv programmes, flipping his mags or newspaper or simply just falling asleep at the living room. Our conversation over the things we do, what happened over work etc grew lesser and thinner recently. He may be saying that he is listening to me but his eyes is on the tv or mag. As much as i want to believe that he is really listening to me talking, his responses is just not encouraging. Sigh...

Just like earlier, I've bought a black framed specs which makes me looked like a silly (for the fun of it of cos) and the 1st thing i did when i reached home was to wear it out to show him. He was reading his tabloid newspapers and his response to me - a tinge of disinterest... Maybe he was worn out at work... Sigh... maybe...

Sigh...

When fate brings two together

2010-08-24T23:00:00.003+08:00

Interestingly, i just got to know that one of my sec friend is together with my first bf! Thanks to the amazing FB! haha!

Well... Fate has its own unique ways to bring people together. From two individuals who do not know each other in the world, became friends, then feelings developed to be a loving couple. Yes, sometimes Fate also brings about love at first sight but what appeals to me more is when Mr Fate puts two friends who perhaps have known each other for years and finally find themselves together. It feels like as though when all the elements in life is at the right place, at the right time, in the right setting and snapped, love or rather mutual feeling for each other is developed. Which for this case, i believe is what happened for my friends :)

I have my taste of Fate too, or I should put it this... I believe that for each individual that comes together, it is beautifully weaved together by God, to complement each other in weakness and in strength. Well.. i believe mine is so, to complement and learn from Jeff in each other's shortfall and strength :) It is learning for a lifetime ;)

Fear

2010-08-01T01:07:00.003+08:00

Strangely today I was gripped by fear as I was bathing n heard sparkle barking, which was unusual of her. I know Jeff's asleep at the living room and the first tot coming into my mind was whether has something bad happened to him.

Did he fainted out of no reason or did he not wake up from his sleep. Dun ask me why would I feel this way. It just came at the very instance when sparkle barked. I guessed I'm still affected by my mum's sudden departure. I'm still paranoid. Sometimes to the extent of even checking if sparkle is still breathing. I'm afraid that people I loved will once again leave me, without any warning signs or indication. I'm afraid that I have to go thru such loss once again.

I'm afraid.

Marriage

2010-07-25T22:35:00.003+08:00

That was the main topic revolving in my mind today as me and JY were sharing with each other during our coffee session. One already a Mrs and the other, a Mrs-to-be. Those anxieties that she shared were probably very much the same I've gone through when i was going to be a Mrs. Even till now, there are still some anxieties within me. I would be outrightly lying if i said everything is A-OK.

Prior to marriage, there is no "formal" commitment per se. So even the responsibility and commitment towards the partner can afford to be compromised to a certain extent. But this changes when marriage sets in and everything is "formalised". Accountability, commitment and faithfulness set in 101%. Constant reminders are needed and guarding of the heart is important. Yes, guarding the heart. It is important to make that conscious effort to guard the heart because it is the most vulnerable in my view.

So what is the weakest link in your marriage or relationship? Are you doing something about it? Are you guarding it well enough? I dun think i have but i'm trying :)

I love my dog!

2010-07-24T01:10:00.002+08:00

I'm glad that i have Sparkle as my companion. Since the day I've got her, there has been no regrets despite of the additional commitments needed to take care of her, the mess and the chew-ups she has created.

She is able to warm my heart when i feel low. She will never fail to welcome me with her enthusiastic kisses on my face. These kisses, though may disgusting or unhygienic (which it is a lil), takes away instantly all my negative/ low feelings or stressed. She never fail to follow me around in the house and keep me accompanied. She never fails to steal my heart away whenever she lie right next to me or sleep on my laps.

She is a smart girl too btw. Just recently, she learned paw-paw in just 3 days and she can recognise the way back home too according to Corrinne who takes her out for daycare fortnightly. Shewill bark whenever she's either approaching Corrinne's place or back home.

I simply love my Sparkle girl. And of cos i love my hubby too :) so in case you are reading this, dun feel jealous k! ;)

Need rest

2010-07-22T23:11:00.002+08:00

I haven't been resting well since the beginning of the week. It felt as though I've been punished. This tiredness has taken a toll of me, making my mind to wander around too. So i tried to keep myself as occupied as possible with activities and programmes so that I'm kept on track of things.

I dun wish to start on what I've tried to stop. I dun wish to open what have been locked. So I've decided to take a break tomorrow and rest at home. I will still be working from home but at least at my own timing. Argh... headache bugging me now... I think i really need to rest.

Rest.... rest.... rest........

"Realisation"

2010-07-20T22:37:00.004+08:00

I realised that its sometimes really hard to say no to somethings or someone, especially when its something close to the heart. One can feel the heart ache and pain when refusal, be it the sender or the receiver. It takes alot of strength just for that one word.

But I've also realised at the same time that one should always remember to count his blessings and not take people and things for granted. What is given to you can also be taken away from you easily if you don't treasure them. Its a simple principle but sometimes the basics is just hard to take it in. So why engage in self-indulgence which can potentially cause pain to the people around and close to you? For the moment of pleasure? For a connection? Beats me but everything comes with a choice. It can either make you or break you.

So anyway, I was somehow brought to remembrance today of those sacrifices he has to make for me and how he stood by my side in my darkest moments. How he took care of me when i was ill or down. How he surprises me when i was low. How he embraces my frens as his own. How he chose to love me and put me first. Today, I can boldly tell people that i have found myself a good man but, I'm really not sure if he has found himself a good woman. Until now, I'm still not sure what good he sees in me.

Well... Life could have been totally different for us if we have not started 6 years ago. But now that it has already started, marriage is only the beginning for us. For the many more years to come, to have and to hold. More ups and downs, more sweet love and arguments. Guess the upside and downside of life comes as ONE package. Inseparable. So embrace all the good, the bad and the ugly. There is never the perfect partner. Perfection is only as much as you choose to see in that person.

Seems like i have quite a bit of "realisation" today. So having all being said here, thank you for loving me and accepting the good, the bad and the ugly of me.

Is being simple a virtue?

2010-07-06T23:34:00.002+08:00

I wonder.

I personally dun give much tots to life. Always taking things as it comes but is this good for me? I have colleagues who have their life plan all planned out and I have also colleagues who hold onto their analogy and belief over certain things in life or at work. Well... As for me, I dun put much tots to these and neither do I really hold onto an analogy towards certain things in life. But is this doing me good? Am I putting myself too much in the "comfort zone"? I really wonder... Is it hindering my personal growth or helping me to lead a simpler life with lesser demands to life. If the world hasn't gone so complicated I guess.

I guess it's probably one thing being simple and another thing being a simpleton which for sure I dun wan to be the latter. I'm getting tired now.. Not too sure wat I'm yanking abt here now... Time to hit the bed. Tata :)

Woman's beer belly in the making?

2010-06-30T22:14:00.003+08:00

I realised that i have been having quite a fair bit of beers lately... these stocks resulted from duty free purchases we made during our trips. Haha... Even now, I'm having my 2nd beer ;)

Why drink? Guess i feel like having them and there are things in my head that i want to let it go :) But dun worry about me :) I will be A-OK soon ;)

Cant wait for Hub to be back tomorrow too... Feels like its been a long time that he is gone and its kinda lonely not to be able to nag at him =p Thank goodness we have Sparkle to acc me at home. Feels good knowing that you have someone waiting anxiously for your return everyday. She has become part of my life now.. Cant imagine not having Sparkle in my life :)

I guess absence always makes the heart fonder :)

Thank You!

2010-06-19T17:45:00.003+08:00

I was just browsing through all those photos taken in FB and was reminded by the happy memories, adventures and trips i have had with all my colleagues, friends, buddies, cousins, loved ones and hub. They formed a huge part in my life and gave me lotsa worthy memories.

So, thank you for contributing into my life. Thank you for being you and accepting me as me. Thank you for overlooking my faults but looking at my merits. Thank you for standing by me in good times and bad. Thank you for offering comfort and support when I'm down. Thank you for offering directions when I'm at a loss. Thank you for bringing laughter and joy into my life.

Thank you for playing such a big part in my life.

一路好走

2010-06-16T23:53:00.003+08:00

Have gone to the wake this afternoon, using lunch time.

Once stepped in, we are greeted by his elder sis. It is evident that she have cried alot as the eyes were swollen and red. Then up ahead was his photo, riding on the Barrel and holding onto a tray of fruits. There was also that green cap where we first saw him in and a pair of sunglasses. He looked peaceful. It was pretty emotional for me somehow and I was trying to hold them back. We exchanged a few words with his sister. When we left to return to office, I stepped out of the wake, feeling alil low.

It is a sudden loss that the family members are trying to cope with it. The funeral is tomorrow and thereafter, they will bring his ashes back to hometown. May God heal their pain over time.

And to my friend Jeff, 一路好走.

In memory

2010-06-15T23:56:00.003+08:00

Once again life has displayed its vulnerability and fragility. Just this morning i received news that one of the staff at WH whom we know has passed away. Jeff Leow, the exec chef at WH, who has also just celebrated his birthday not long ago. It all came too sudden to even be comprehend.

My impression of Jeff was the sunny smiley guy, though in his thirties, still looked as energetic and full of zest. He was that cute guy in a cap whom we all noticed when we first attended a BBQ session at WH. That was when we first got to know him. And thereafter, we never failed to exchange conversation whenever at WH. He is always so welcoming and friendly towards people. He never stops to say hi, exchange a few words before continuing with his work. Though we aren't close friends and could probably consider more like an acquaintance but his sudden departure still stuck me. The departure of one who is in the prime of his life.

In a way, it reminded me how sudden my mum left me. The heart ache somehow caught back on me again. All of a sudden, the grief, pain and loss caught hold of me. My tots starts flashing around on possible sudden departures of people around me. Its scary in a way, almost unimaginable. Anyway, I'm felt better by the end of the day so hope this feeling within will not be there for long.

I hope time will heal the pain and grief that his loved ones have to bear. May God bring comfort to them as He chooses to bring Jeff back at such a time.

How much is enough?

2010-06-15T00:27:00.002+08:00

He seems to have alot of tots in mind today. Looks like the family's financial situation and the ability on repayment is taking a toll on him. My reaction at first instance was whether he wants to consider postponing our honeymoon in Sept. Dun want to have him in a difficult position to manage both his and his family's finances. But coming to think about it, why am I so silly to offer that? It's a long awaited trip for us and why should we be "sacrificed" for my mil's poor money management? But knowing him, this may be something that will at least ease his mind, at least for awhile.

I really wonder how much is enough to fill up that hole created wilfully and more importantly, when will it ever stop? I din know he has a 1.5hr chat with his mum in the middle of the night yesterday. I was probably too sick to even notice. Somehow, I got the feeling that things are going beyond manageable control and is coming along our way for help. I'm really unsure whether to offer help anot becos for the fact that my mil will most likely bounce back to square one later on. I sounded disrespectful here but I really dunno when will she ever learn her lessons from these poor money management.

Guess we shall see what's coming my way soon...

Dinner

2010-06-13T23:09:00.003+08:00

It's has been a very long time since I last visited my dad. Well.. If it's not for his call 2weeks ago, I doubt today's dinner will happen. It was good. We ate, we chatted and cracked jokes (once in a while). I guess it's a good get-together session with my dad n bro.

But returning to the house where I used to stay and grow up in felt so different. The environment and setting are no longer the same. Even the room I used to slept in with my mum has been rented out. That place no longer feel home to me. Perhaps that place has stopped being home to me since my mum's departure. I just wonder how and where she is now...

If life could be as simple

2010-06-05T01:14:00.002+08:00

If it can be as simple as a child. There is no worries to the world's affair, no worries abt getting the rite job, no worries abt mixing with the wrong crowd, no worries abt getting into heartaches. Becos to a child, the world is just him. The only possible concerns are probably whether do I get to eat my fave food, play with my fave toy or go out with my fave fren. Wat is money to him? Wat is heartaches for him? What is work to him? All these can possibly means little to a child.

Or if it can be as simple as a dog. So long u got a responsible and good owner, everything in a dog's life is taken care of.

Are complications something that adults find for themselves? There is always a given choice to choose. To accept or reject, a yes or a no. It's simple and yet we adults think and analyzes to the best of our mental mind or emotions-filled heart. I guess at the end of the day, it's we adults who choose the less than simple way of life and make things complicated for ourselves.

A call

2010-06-01T23:37:00.003+08:00

Have received a call today, just before I'm off work. A call that I least expected. A call from my dad.

Well... If you know me well enuff, you wld probably know the kind of father-daughter relationship we had. Anyway, it has also been a very long while since I last saw him. Or rather make the effort to pay him a visit. It's not something that comes out naturally from me. My dad, of cos trying to lighten the spirit and joked that I've forgotten abt him, this and that. Well... My response? I can only laughed it off to cover the awkwardness I felt at that very moment. So to "make it up to him", I've arranged to have dinner with him next wkend. So let's just hope that we will have more in-depth things to talk abt during the session.

In the meanwhile, I'll have to try make an effort to visit him, if not at least to call. I dunno what we will talk abt so we'll just have to see and play by ear.... I believe things wld have been different if my mum is still ard but it's also pointless now to say so. I hope she is doing well, together with my grandma somewhere out there, happy.

Yup, happy.

What a week it has been

2010-05-23T00:16:00.003+08:00

Well.. i haven't been blogging for the longest ever and since the itch to write came onto me today, so here i am :)

The whole week has been busy for me with meetings scheduled practically every single day, some even back to back. So the least i can do for myself is to make sure i treat myself well with good lunches! Haha! So lets see what i have for lunches throughout the working week:

Monday - Barcelos @ Vivocity

Tuesday - Silkroad resturant @ Sentosa

Wednesday - Hard Rock Cafe @ RWS

Thursday - Pu Tien @ Vivocity

Friday - Foodcourt @ Harbourfront Centre

Pretty good food with good company too... especially with the Wed's crowd. Some interesting stories heard and incident happening. My Friday ended pretty well too with a ketchup session with my buddies over dinner and drinks (but the drinks sucks at this place we settled down at St James, however company compensated it all). Lotsa laughter shared :)

I was hoping that my weekend can be better but not exactly. Nasty cramp came in and made my whole Sat a sleepy, painful and pigging one. Even now as I'm writing, the cramp is still there. Oh well... what to do? Its pain that woman has to endure....... so yup, I'm so enduring it now.... Hope it will get better tomorrow... I'm supposed to do some work but couldn't head into it cos of the cramp. Feel like going for a haircut tomorrow before the Bali trip... My hair is turning hay... Oh well.. we'll see how it goes tomorrow after the obedience training, or rather later today ;)

Alrighty, bedtime calls... So till then folks... :)

Just me

2010-05-09T16:09:00.003+08:00

Jeff and his brother is out to Msia now to have a mother's day dinner with my MIL. I chose to stay back. I dun feel to join in for the celebration. Nothing against anyone but i just dun feel like celebrating this occasion and anyway i got work stuff to do before tomorrow's conference session. I know i may be putting him in a difficult position and i feel sorry that i have to put him through this.

I think i will buy a gift for my MIL to compensate the absence. Maybe i can bring myself to celebrate together with them next year. Sorry DD...

You

2010-05-09T00:40:00.003+08:00

It's been your wkend, your day and I can't help but think how you will be looking forward to the dinner gathering each time. Yet at the same time,I can't help and think how many more times I will not be able to spend this occasion with you.

Sometimes, I'm afraid that I will forget you. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I will stop thinking of you. I regret that I din do more when you are still around...

How have you been for the past 2yrs? You know, sometimes I wonder if I will feel the same when he leaves. I doubt it.

Happy mother's day.. I miss you...

Change!

2010-05-06T19:22:00.001+08:00

I realized I haven't been blogging much lately so it's time to pen down my tots again.

Work has been pretty much the same thus far. Not much changes n I'm still procastinating about change. Like wat Des said is true, I'm not urgent about it so I'm not thinking hard enuff. Even though I wanted change so much but I've probably gotten too comfortable with the environment and my current status that I dun see the urgency to change n really really work on the change.

It's time to put my foot down and get dirty. Otherwise months down the road, I'll still be talking about it and be at the same place with no direction watsoever.

Well.. I got praised by my boss on 2 occassions for striking a good deal but I dun feel the praise on me is justified. Not that I'm being too hard on myself but I know that I was lucky to get on with these tasks that are already in demand.

Time to work on the real stuffs and get the butt moving!!! Move it nicole tan! Move it!!!!

no significant increment

2010-04-24T01:24:00.003+08:00

Well.. its only a double digit but it dun really matter to me cos i know i haven't done significantly much either at work. So no grumbles about it. You are rewarded with what you deserved. So in my opinion, its what i think i deserve too.

Its just interestingly how my boss convey this insignificant increment message to me. Its surprisingly tuned towards the encouraging side of it. Well.. what can i say? I think my boss is good, able to accept our nonsense sometimes. After hearing him out, lets see how to pick up my already low interest at work momentum. Maybe what my fren advised is right if i ever choose to commit to another field of studies becos ultimately this organization is more understanding and can allow for learning and mistakes at the same time. While at the same time, i need to spur myself up to seriously think about what i wanna do. Honestly, I've been pretty laid back for quite a while... So time for some serious stuffs for the idle brain ;)

Back to the increment topic. The only part i felt unjustified is Ngo's. She also has the same insignificant as mine but i see she has done alot in her area of work... Yet somehow, she is not duly rewarded. I can sense her disappointment. Well.. hopefully next half of the year will be better for her :)

Btw, I've got a fren's baby niece admitted into hospital for some bacteria attack. Its a recurrence. Please keep her in your prayers for speedy recovery and good health. The name is Adelynn. Thanks in advance! :)

Ok. Time for me to sleep now after looking at the time now. Was back late home after finally deciding on the date for our Tioman dive trip with the group. Well.... gotta spend some time with Sparkle as she's been waiting for me the whole day. She's really a good girl! She know that I'm busy with the laptop and played on her own. Cant bear to call the day an end for her without giving her my attention :)

Plenty of tots today

2010-04-15T23:23:00.003+08:00

I'm having plenty of tots today, over various issues. Think my mind has been idle too long and start wandering into funny tots.

1) I somehow become paranoid again and will occasionally check if Jeff is still breathing when he is asleep. I even do that to Sparkle. Think the fear of losing someone close to me is still hanging strong within me. I fear that there might come a day when i wake up with a non-breathing him or a missing whining dog. Sigh.. what was i thinking?

2) Then its the magic of having a dog. It links people who you aren't close with closer to you, in terms of friendship and relationship. Common topic and interest that's for sure.

3) Work is something I'm totally not enjoying recently. The intent to quit just gets stronger day by day. Sometimes i would really wonder if my boss knows of my existence in the team. Maybe I'm not as vocal as the others but anyway, with what I'm doing now i dun think I'm contributing much in the team. Seriously think its time to get my act up and start doing some serious thinking on where to go and what study to take to upgrade myself. Time to move on.

4) Ok next is a heavy topic, heavy tot - about his family (again). Although now it seems like there is no need to take up the loan now but he will still do a regular contribution, supposedly to help in the loan. But, i beg to differ becos i doubt it will happen this way, knowing my MIL. Sigh... sounds like I'm bad mouthing again but i cant help it. I'm really skeptical about this. Despite of the current situation, she still went ahead to do some beauty procedure! I just simply CANNOT UNDERSTAND! On one hand, you are asking help for the bank loan and yet on the other hand, you are spending on the unnecessary! I know that there is little Jeff can do here but i have no choice but to keep reminding him to put things in perspective here. It is no longer just about his family but OUR family should take precedence! I'm being realistic here, even if you can say I'm being selfish here. Problem is his family is like a bottomless pit, can never be filled. Sigh... His brother is another set of money issue which i think got influenced and also protected by the mother.

Let's just hope that his brother will get mature over time and his mother to know what it means to RESTRAIN.

I dreamt of u

2010-04-12T08:13:00.002+08:00

I dreamt of my mum last night and I tot before the memories of my dream become more and more blurry, I better blogged it down.

Happened when me n jeff are supposedly flying to visit my mum. But it wasn't my home cos I vaguely remembered I wasn't allowed to say "I'm home". Anyway, I got to see my mum, we chatted but I can't remember the details and stayed overnight at where she is residing in my dreams. It was quite a kampong place. Then we were supposed to fly back the following day but somehow something went wrong with our tickets and we had to purchase fresh ones urgently to fly back at weird timing. Flight then ferry ride to reach our supposed destination.

Then I woke up. I can't remember if I have bid goodbyes to my mum. I can't remember how she looked and dressed like in my dreams but I know its her. This is the second time I dreamt of her after so long. I miss her...

Babies sprouting

2010-04-12T00:15:00.003+08:00

People around me are all adhering to our govt's baby policy. Sec classmates of my age, frens and colleagues are already parents of 1 and 2 cute kiddos! Wow.. how fast time flies... Now the topic is no longer just about whether you are attached or what job you are in, but they are into when are you getting married, how old are your kids and when is the next one coming! Very soon in the next couple of years, our topic will evolved to which childcare centre you placed your kids and which school you plan to enrol them in. W O W !

Its a good news to hear frens around me embracing parenthood or rather expanding their family :) I do wonder when is mine and whether i will be ready for it when time comes... I guess maternal instinct will comes naturally but pity that $$ dun comes as naturally as the former ;p There are new monetary commitments coming along my way which will put the plans for family planning backwards for sure. Oh well... maybe a good thing after all, till I'm fully ready to embrace motherhood :)

Help. Closeness.

2010-04-06T23:43:00.004+08:00

My aunt got into fits this morning and was admitted into hospital. Thankfully so far she still can speak and move her limbs when I visited her after work. Just that her mind was still kinda in a state of confusion and had difficulties recognizing us. Really hope that her condition will not deteriorate further and nothing major happening to her brain.

Anyway I would brand my uncle as a very devoted man is how I saw him giving undivided attention to her elder sis, especially since the time of her 1st stroke last yr. He will make it a point to visit my aunt every week and bring her out to walks. He will be one of the 1st few pple to be there whenever help is needed for my aunt or if anything happened. Even during my mum's wake, he helped us as much as possible and stayed thru the night with us despite having to go to work the next day. Pple who by word of mouth and claim will help but hear nothing from them when help is really needed are hypocrites.

And btw, I love seeing the closeness with his family. I also love seeing the same closeness in my aunt's family. Well.. It's something that my family never possess.

Missing my mum again as I'm writing this...

What is within your means?

2010-03-27T15:18:00.005+08:00

Money is a useful tool and aid to realise and obtain what you need. It is also a tool that can wreak you out totally and leave you in mountains of debts. I'm not particularly talking about gambling here but essentially it is the day-to-day's lifestyle. I dunno if I'm considered bad-mouthing here when i talked about his family but there are just these money issues that i cannot appreciate how things should work.

They have this mentality of making use of the bank facilities to achieve what they need/ want but it is provided that there is capability to repay whatever facilities being made used. But this is not happening here. No details to share here but i just cannot understand and comprehend how can someone, with little means to do repayment yet still yearn to live up to a certain lifestyle and do certain things. End result? Got slapped with more loans and card debts. What is more important here? A debt-free lifestyle or a luxurious lifestyle with a long trail of debts behind it?

Why cant people do things within their monetary means? Who doesn't wish for a luxurious lifestyle? I do. I wished for my Kate Spade, LV bags and a carefree lifestyle everyday but i dun do it for the sake of doing it, not knowing how much i would left with after that.

I cant comprehend and yet now I'm put in a situation whether i should stretch my finances to "help". I can call that as an investment since legality will all be clearly spelled out and moreover he is my husband afterall. I should help and support wherever possible but what's gonna happen next after all that? Status quos lifestyle?

Am i then condoning it?

A not so enjoyable trip

2010-03-23T00:12:00.004+08:00

HK trip was a partial flop, at least for myself. There were different objectives to be met in this trip and worse of all, different shopping and travelling habits with my MIL ard. I dun wan to appear to be bad mouthing my MIL but thruout the trip there were simply too many comments and remarks flying ard on practically everything! Will not go into the details here but once is enuff for me. I have told Jeff that I wun be joining for future trips like tat anymore. I dun wan to put myself in a situation again when I have to wear my patience thin on my MIL. As respectful as I wan to be, my limit has been reached during this trip. So no more, again.

But given a choice, I wld love to travel up HK again to explore more and enjoy the sightseeing better. So hopefully that wun take too long to happen.

Btw, did I mentioned tat Sparkle has a hard time when we weren't ard. Though his brother has helped to feed her while we were away but he also has his own activities still. So poor Sparkle has to be left alone most of the time. How do I conclude that? My wooden shelf at the yard was chewed on, oven knobs were marked with her teeth marks, one of it even got bit off n came out loose and I just discover today tat a corner of the plastering on my yard wall was bitten off. She is too hype now whenever she sees us and will drip with pee. Need to spend more time with her. Can't shortchange her becos of our tight schedule or holidays.

K, time for me to hit the bed. Nitey.

Dun like

2010-03-17T23:38:00.003+08:00

I dun like the feeling that I'm having now. Felt so by myself now, angry at my inabilities at work and i realised that i dun like to communicate with my MIL. Maybe its just today. Maybe today is just a not-so-good day. Maybe its just me. He is busy at work now and I'm at home, trying to communicate with my MIL. I'm glad that i dun have to do that everyday. Such relationship is not easy to manage.

I'm skeptical about the HK trip tomorrow that i will be going with his family. I dunno how much i will enjoy it, with additional company. I can foresee difference in opinion in where to go and what to do between him and his mum. I can foresee that there might be unhappiness or frustration from him on his mum on shopping, eating and playing. But for all you know, my forecast maybe wrong and i hope it will be wrong cos i dun wish to be coaxing him to give in or wat so ever. Dun get me wrong that he is not in good terms with his mum. In fact, they are very close but there are just times when there are clashes and i foresee it happening in this trip.

I wished i dun have to leave Sparkle alone at home. I dunno what will happen for the next 4 days with his brother looking after her.

Work is still not happening for me. I'm told to think big and take ownership but i feel my mind is so blocked. What is happening to me? What happened to my creativity and energy in the past? Was it becos He is missing in my life that I'm so lost? I guess so and i think so. But knowing what went wrong and doing it is a different thing altogether again. Maybe I'm just refusing becos of pride. I dunno... I'm lost.. I dun like the me now.. this current moment, this minute, this second.

Hope this feeling is not here to stay.

New everyday so wats today's?

2010-03-12T08:10:00.003+08:00

Since Sparkle's release of new freedom on Monday, I have been having surprises from her everyday when I'm back from work.

Mon - pee n poo everywhere, need total disinfection with vinegar.
Tues - all in order. No accident.
Wed - got locked out of her spot. Pee n poo ard her crate. Total disinfection with vinegar again.
Thurs - newspapers used underneath her crate got totally shredded by her. Dunno how she got tat out but she still pee n poo at the right spot. My kitchen especially looks like a battlefield of shredded papers. Even more shocking, found splinter of wood in her stools. Apparently, she has been chewing on my yard shelf support. Need to get tat sorted out. At least for today, we wiped the support with vinegar. Hope it will put her off to chew. Time to get a bitter spray.
Fri - ???

Let's see wat will she be up to today. Overall, Sparkle seems to be a housetrained graduate but a housebreaking tyrant. =)

Mad

2010-03-11T00:11:00.006+08:00

Am pretty upset today.

My skin went very dry n flaky since morning when I woke up. So after much tot, decided to check out my facial lady for help after work. But someone has to feed Sparkle. So for that to happen, I've pre arranged with Jeff so that he can be back home on time to feed this little one. Now here is where it all started. Before I start my session with my facial lady, I've tried to call him. Cldnt reach him, nvm I text to remind. But no response. Fine. After I'm done, I called again. Still din pick up. Text and no reply.

That's it. I know for sure he din feed Sparkle and he is still stuck with work. I'm perfectly ok for him to be stuck with work since it's already not the first time. But I'm upset that he can't even take that 1min off to inform. Along the way back home, I have to keep guessing n wondering if the poor girl is fed. I wld have save my energy from those agony if he had responded. Oh well... Back home, as expected, Sparkle wasn't fed. Bet she is starving for the past 2hrs. There was also a mess created in the yard n kitchen cos of her pee n poo. This silly one must have been running to n fro and slammed the crate door accidentally. So ended up with the mess.

But I'm cool abt it. Cos I noticed that the accident areas are actually surrounding the crate. So I think she knows where is the spot but cos it's closed she had to do it outside. She din drink alot of water too. Wonder if it's becos she knows she can't pee at her spot. Anyway, at least out of the upset part, there is still this to ease it off. Guess I can't depend on anyone but myself to look after her. Having this happened, I dun think I'll be continuing my dance aerobic with the girls. I wun wan any starving incident to happen on Sparkle again.

The weakest link

2010-03-04T08:08:00.002+08:00

I've not been enjoying work lately and being ard with my colleagues. Nothing wrong with them, it's just me. I'm feeling my inability to work the way they are more strongly than before. I gave myself the excuse that it's becos I'm not trained in that field as they are but I can no longer live onto this excuse. Among the 3, I'm the weakest. I even feel it from my bosses that they know the vast difference in ability between us. Maybe it's my working style. I'm one who needs clear direction but they can find their way n analyse thru to find their own way. It's something I dun have. Maybe I will tick when my time comes but for the moment I just feel lousy of myself when comparing with them.

It's just me, lamenting again, procrastinating again, feeling envious or even jealous of them, their abilities and their rapport with the bosses. Till today, I dun deem myself fit for my promotion. Call me low self esteem, low confidence, watever. At least this is wat I'm feeling now when it comes to work. I know I need to get out and not dwell in it but it's one thing knowing the "need tos" and another thing to DO IT. Anyway, for the moment I think I will pull myself away from them for now, lest I feel worse of myself. At least till I can overcome this stupid feeling I'm having now.

I'm human after all, not saint n wun try to be one. Just being honest with my feelings.

22 Feb 2010

2010-02-25T08:01:00.004+08:00

Have been busy these days tat I can't find time to blog so decided to do so now in the train, penning down my tots.

22 Feb was the day tat my grandma left me n her family. Was a regret tat she wasn't able to witness my brother's wedding and mine. It was a hope within me tat she could wait till then to witness it on my mum's behalf but it din happened. I guess there are just times in life when your life sail just dun move in the direction you want to. Well... At least now she has my mum's company.

My memories of my grandma started when I was in kindergarten or lower primary. My parents had to work then and I was staying over with my grandma and uncle for a short period of time. I vaguely remembered following my grandma to the Bedok wet market and chasing after pigeons was my pastime then I think. I remembered sharing the same bedroom as her then. Though she mainly converse in hokkien and I was totally clueless then, we still somehow managed to "survive" thru. These made up to my memories of her and sadly as I grew older, contacts with my grandma gradually got lesser though I know my mum still visit her occasionally whenever possible.

My contacts with grandma got closer only when she first got admitted to hospital and the others are history. It's a regret tat more time wasn't spent with her. Dun think I wan to let tat happen again. You wun wan to hold on too many of such regrets in life. 2 is enuff for me.

A place of my own?

2010-02-20T00:39:00.003+08:00

Dun really think so after today. His mum brought frens over to our house today. He had already informed me earlier and I tot I can be ok with it but I'm wrong. I feel tat my private space has been taken away from me, even it was only for tat few hours.

The only place where I felt "belonged" was the yard, where Sparkle was too. I felt my house became too cluttered with people I dunno. I know it's not intentional for his mum to bring the frens over cos they took her vehicle to come out to Singapore together but I just cldnt get used to it. I just hope such wun be too frequent. I'm already trying to adapt having his brother finally moved in and staying with us so I dun think I can take on too much until I've fully adapted. His brother is ok so far, let's just cross my fingers and toes tat all will turn out well and fine in the long run.

Ok, I better sleep now cos will be heading down the temple for prayers tmr for my mum's 2nd yr death anniversary.

Happy Birthday to you

2010-02-19T12:36:00.003+08:00

wherever you are now, Happy birthday to you Ma. Still misses you.

I think i might have occasional spilt personality. I was pretty hyper this morning with the division yu-sheng cum breakfast session. Then next moment when i settled down, I'm feeling bit moody again. Think its the February month effect on me. But I will be fine. I will :)

Anyway, Happy Belated Birthday to my very best friend across the oceans and the seas. Was glad that we still managed to keep in contact online though he has returned to his home country. (The power of Internet! Dun think i can live without it). You know sometimes there are just people you can click with instantly and some no matter how hard you try, you just dun click. He happened to be one of those who does.

OK, back to work now....

Fully packed day

2010-02-18T00:47:00.003+08:00

It has been a fully packed day today, with tons of activities even though I have taken a day's off from work. There wasn't rest at all but it was all good still.

Morning was Sparkle time when we brought her to the vet for the intended 3rd jab. But she caught a cold n had to postpone it till she gets well. Hopefully soon, real soon. Then we headed down to giant Tampines to get our grocery done for the evening gathering. At giant, I practically belonged to the husband group - waiting at one side with the trolley to wait for the wife to come back with the supposed ingredients. Haha.. Oh well.. Wat to do? I'm not an eligible cook yet. Soon.. Soon.. Will be my turn.

After the shopping, war at our kitchen started at 4pm. It was the biggest mess I have ever seen, cooking for 10+ pple. Jeff's 1st time too, cook for such a group size. But it was all good fun though I din get to do the cooking but at least I helped with the sides, the preps and the washing. Lotsa fun, lotsa laughter with my frens. I was in fact glad that jeff embraced my frens as his own. It's a good thing.

Thank you all for everything, for coming over, for bringing the laughter. And thank you to my hubby for taking the time and effort to cook and spent the time together with my frens as his own.

2 years has passed...

2010-02-16T23:56:00.004+08:00

http://nicoleablog.blogspot.com/2009/02/1-year-has-passed-i-miss-you-i-really.html

How have you been doing? Its my second year without you. Happy things have happened during this 2nd year which i hoped you are still around to share these joy.

Brother got married.

My flat finally got fully renovated but i din get the chance to show you.

I got married.

I got promotion at work.

I got myself a dog which kept me busy 3/4 of the time when I'm at home.

Will you come into my dreams again this year? Even if its only for a short while... I miss you. Still very misses you. Why do you have to go so soon? I still wish it never happened this way.

First reunion dinner

2010-02-16T00:01:00.001+08:00

First reunion dinner with Jeff's family was quite an interesting one as his mum arranged it outside, at this firefly valley. Food nothing fantastic but it's the setting and the environment which interests me. They have rabbits, gooses, hens and turtles there. A mini farm town with fireflies of cos. Session was a pleasant one until his mum brought up the blessings of having mummy still ard to nag, talking abt jeff n his bro. Nothing wrong, just that I got reminded by my loss - no more naggings from my mum even if I was hungry for one. I know it's not intentional by his mum, I'm perfectly ok :)

His family tried to make me feel as one of them as much as possible though I feel very much out of place still especially when his relatives came by to visit. Think it's a matter of time till I get used to it :)

It's my first year's reunion dinner with my new family n my second year without the presence of my mum. The day is here again - today, this fateful date. Will be going to temple tomorrow morning before heading down to my dad's place for relatives' visitation. Somehow one way or another, I'm not enjoying my cny this yr. Hope I will get better next year :)

No mood

2010-02-13T01:39:00.003+08:00

The closer cny is approaching, all the more I have no mood to really celebrate cos the dates fall so close to each other. I wish I dun have to celebrate cny at all but I can't, especially as a newly wed couple n especially it's my first time joining his family for a reunion dinner. Something that cannot be refused. But either way, I believe it will be a better reunion dinner session as compared to my family's.

Let's wish that it will be a pleasant new yr.

And I still misses you Ma.

Gone thru the motion

2010-02-08T00:16:00.003+08:00

Felt tat we had gone thru the yearly affair motion again to have our advanced reunion dinner together, without my mum the 2nd time. We weather talk pretty much as usual or at least for me. To me, we are just getting thru the motion without genuine bonding as wat reunion dinner should be. Sad right? Oh well.. I'm used to it already since it has been like this even when my mum is still ard. I would rather bond with her than my dad. Call me biased, certain things in life can't change and wat has happened in the past wun change too.

But I do feel a little bad knowing that he spring cleaned the entire house on his own. I know I shld do something to help but it din command much within me to put it to action. My bro will be taking off some time to help him with the heavy purchases. At least there is someone there for him.

Anyway, it will be my first time joining jeff for his reunion dinner. Wonder how it would turn out to be.

12 more days

2010-02-04T22:22:00.000+08:00

think its good

2010-01-31T23:03:00.004+08:00

having a dog. 1st day and night as a dog owner is not easy cos she keep on whinning and howling for attention. I have to toughen myself and not give in to these whinnings but at least it takes portion of my attention away during the start of Feb.

Btw, her name is Sparkle, adding sparkles into my life =)

Happy day

2010-01-31T01:09:00.003+08:00

Still feeling sore about my lost photos but was touched and glad on what Jeff has done which cheered me up.

1) din expect him to wake up in the middle of the night and tried retrieve the lost photos for me.

2) suggested to visit the pet farm and we finally bought a dog after much consideration - white schnauzer. Picking her up tomorrow and i'm still thinking what's her name.

3) impromptu decision to fly a kite - its my 1st time and its fun :) Kites are like fishes in the skies and my kite/ fish is one of it.

Thank you DD =)

Lost photos

2010-01-30T01:22:00.003+08:00

I have a post.. done halfway only to realise that i have lost a whole year of photo collections in 2008 after my pc is been reformat. 2008 is an important year to me and i have lost the entire data of it. Cant believe this is happening...

Sad.. really very sad... I should have done back up.. damn.. real damn..

Krabi trip

2010-01-25T23:08:00.004+08:00

It was an experience, BIG time. To the extent that i wonder why on earth do i pay to make myself suffer like hell with all these trainings, scolding and sarcasm from the French instructor. In fact, this was in all of our mind at the start of the 2 days intensive diving classes we had. I was so "deceived" when i hear from people around me that its easy to obtain Open Water Certification and it is NOT! At least for this French instructor we had. Not that he is not good, in fact he was a very good instructor, just too stern and fierce even! Haha.. but it was all good fun still.

Though at the beginning of my training for OPC, a local instructor was assigned to us to teach us the basics but i was glad that i was able to follow this French fellow for my 2nd day dives. Not that this local instructor was not good but just not detailed and couldn't really pinpoint on what were the mistakes so on and so forth. He was more lenient. In fact, i was pretty disappointed after my 1st two open water dives cos i couldn't hit the required depth of 12m. I hovered around 6-7m becos i couldn't clear the squeeze in my ears to descend further. So by then, i was more or less prepared to just get a scuba diver certification at the end of the dives. Thankfully, French fellow roped me over for the 2nd day dives. With his little coaching and clearer instructions, i was able to hit to the depth of close to 17+m! OK and the rest were history :)

I am now a certified OP diver which means i can dive with a buddy to max of 18m but of cos with more practices. In fact we are all looking forward to our possible next dive trip, prob sometime in Apr this year. Would be real fun to dive again. Its really a different world underwater! I can close my eyes and recall seeing the school of fishes swimming around me, the sleeping leopard shark, sea turtle and more. Its real fun but of cos comes with a little bit of price. Got a couple of bruises on my right leg and unknown bites on my left leg. Now my left leg is red spotted but its neither itchy nor pain. Most likely will be seeing a doc in the next couple of days time if it doesn't subside. Dun ask me wat bit me cos i equally clueless. Happened after my 4th and last OP dive.

Time to sleep now! Its back to work again tomorrow... :)

Future? Goals? Plans?

2010-01-20T23:58:00.003+08:00

This seems to be THE topic of the day where conversations after conversations revolved around it from morning's course, lunch and even dinner. I cant help but think and wonder where i am in this.

I always reckon myself as someone who takes things as it comes, a simpleton maybe. Life to me maybe led by issues, incidents and happenings. My pathway to life is simple, maybe too simple. I used to have dreams and goals but that was when I'm still in church and actively serving. There was a vision casted. Those were probably big dreams but maybe for pride rather than for the Higher purpose. Anyway, those were history :)

Now moving on in terms of career, i dun have a concrete plan per se but just do what is needed and required of me, carrying out my due diligence. Am i a goal getter? Or deep down i just want to lead a simple life? There is no answer. Think my dream now is just to backpack away. Europe would be ideal. Tot about travelling and work for my spending along the way. This tot came about after my mum's leaving becos there is nothing to hold me back from leaving everything behind. But I'm not sure how this can be realised now with commitments on housing loans etc..

We'll see.. we'll see..

L O V E

2010-01-19T23:45:00.003+08:00

Actually dun have anything to blog about today but as i was browsing through my fren's blog, his post caught my attention. The simplicity of falling in love and knowing what's love. Take a read and see for yourself

http://desmondfu.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-know.html

Have you found that "head over heels" person?

Missing again

2010-01-17T23:55:00.003+08:00

Have been a month since i last gone back home to visit my dad. Back to the familiar setting but with a missing factor again - my mum. The feeling of my "former" room feels empty and in fact is empty. Empty out for a tenant.

With time passes, i cant help but be reminded that February is approaching. A month when i lost 2 loved ones on consecutive years. We were chatting on the arrangements to go temple for prayers. We also chatted about heading down to Quality Hotel for our advance CNY eve dinner with my dad and it was the place that my mum enjoyed going then when she was still around. Miss those times.

Though Feb is a month of celebration and family gathering becos of CNY but i dun think i will enjoy as much. Feb is a painful month for me personally. Probably if given a choice, i would prefer to head overseas but its not going to happen so just have to deal with it.

ANYWAY, before Feb comes i have my diving theory test to conquer. 5 chapters of theory and I'm only done with 1/4 of chap 1! Somebody help me!

Departure of a good fren

2010-01-10T19:29:00.002+08:00

I cant imagine the departure of someone who i have known for the past 6months. Its amazing how fast time flies and how bond got built over time. He is flying back to his home country, though unsure of what's gonna happen there after but i have faith in him that his abilities and character will bring him high and far.

He is a person of charisma and character, with strong stand on his principles which brings him advantages and disadvantages at the same time. He is a great fren and a great man. My heart goes out to him wherever he is and wish him all the best in whatever he do.

Thank you for this friendship.

Happy Birthday to me!

2010-01-09T14:43:00.003+08:00

Thank you to all my goody colleagues, my goody lunch kakis! Its a lovely necklace, a beautiful album, a delightful surprise. Love you gals!

Thank you to my buddies for the surprise after the concert. It was totally unexpected, totally loved! Thank you for these many years of our friendship, standing by me during the different stages of my life.

Thank you to my hubby for your continuous support, understanding and love, during good times and bad. Even though there are times when i have failed to meet the mark. Thank you love. Love the bouquet received early this morning. Love u and thank you :)

Happy? Not happy?

2010-01-08T00:08:00.003+08:00

I think I'm beginning to be like a confused kid, not sure whether I'm happy or not happy over things, over issues and over marriage.

Well... I had a very delightful lunch with my lunch kakis as they specially made it as a bday celebration for me. They even bought a very beautiful necklace for me from swarosiki. I bet it would have cost them a bomb, having to pool in $$ to buy this gift for me. Felt loved. Really.

However, yet on the other hand, there seems to be an invisible problem between me and jeff that has somehow snowballed. I reckoned that I'm the root of the problem, as always. There are times when I really wondered if he marrying me is the right thing to do becos most of the time I seems to be the source of most issues. I gradually feel a sense of lost in my freedom, having to be continuously accountable for every action, every move, from a to z or 1 to n. Is this a normal thing to be felt in a marriage or it's just me? Am I not suited for marriage or did he made a wrong choice?

We are supposed to go for DT's concert tmr but I'm not sure if it's even happening. I just got back home after my window shop n he was already at the lift, heading out. I doubt he will be back home today cos he had his office stuff with him too. Likely to be staying out the night. We weren't talking. Sigh..

Anyway, I'll be fine. I'm just blasting out loud here so my tots can be clearer... :)

New Year crazy day

2010-01-03T13:55:00.002+08:00

It has been a real long while since i last stayed up throughout the entire night and the new year's eve was one. SBP was an experience cos i have never been to one before. But the highlight wasn't there.

The highlight was our 2 straight hours of riding at Wavehouse from 2-4am. Has been a long time since my last ride and i was glad that i have not lose it all yet. Jeff was not too bad either. He was able to balance on his own after the 1st hr. But our riding did not stop at 4am. Our adrenaline was so pumped up that we decided (together with ngo ngo) to continue our ride at 5am till 6am. 3hrs of riding - shiok! After all that riding, we headed down to Jalan Kayu for breakfast. Then, sleep...... All the way till about 4+pm when we are supposed to meet ngo ngo for our movie marathon at 5pm!

We really packed ourselves up with alot of activities man! SBP, riding, then movie marathon - 2 shows: Bodyguards & Assassinates and Sherlock Holmes... Was all fun :)

Thanks to jeff and ngo ngo :)

What is your imaginery friend?

2009-12-27T16:20:00.004+08:00

I realised i have alot of imaginery friends when growing up. Guess partly becos my mum is working part time at night as a dish washer lady apart from her factory worker job in the day. My dad? Out most of the night when my mum is working.

This was brought to my memory as i watched how little children played at the playing area over dinner last night at Ikea. The imaginary racing, imaginary companion, imaginary bling bling around.

I vaguely remembered when growing up, i always believed that my pool of soft toys would communicate with each other when there is no human presence in their midst. So there would be times when i stole a peek from the outside to check on them. Of cos, i saw nothing. I would also frequent the back of the mirror to find that "impostor" in the reflection. I would imagine my barbie dolls coming to life and shared secrets with them. I believed there were probably more but these were the few i could remembered.

Life as a child is simple, the only worry is probably whether will they get to play as much tomorrow. So who is your imaginary friend that accompanied you during growing up?

Will I forget her?

2009-12-26T01:42:00.003+08:00

I slept half the day on Christmas day after a fun night of gathering with my friends at timbre, accompanied with 3d avatar which finished at 4am. It's a pretty peaceful Christmas tat I had spent with Jeff. For the first time after our married life I've cooked for him. Though it's just using instant noodles but it's still a pretty OK one considering the fact that I dun cook. Ha..

Strange thing is as I watched this movie "No Reservation" by Catherine Zeta-Jones, towards the end of the movie I was reminded of my mum. There is this part when Kate's niece, Zoe who ran away from home after quarrelling with Kate. Only to find Zoe at her late mum's burial place. First thing Zoe said was "I'm afraid I might forget her". It kinda sets me thinking whether I will or have forgotten abt my mum. I think it's scary to forget someone who have loved you unconditionally and I too am afraid that it might happen to me someday.

I just hope this day will never come.

Emotional nervous breakdown

2009-12-19T10:06:00.002+08:00

This is wat I diagnose myself with. Guess I've been suppressing too much to a breaking point. Expectations to meet and conform to. Sorting out and more sorting out. Too many to think abt and comprehend tat brings me to a breaking point. I have never felt that way before and to the extent of falling ill. I have slept alot, since 7pm last night till this morning 10am.

I'm still cheerful not that I'll turned all quiet and reserved. I just need time to recover and pull myself back. Things I should do and things I should not do and discontinue.

I know he felt responsible for me having to go thru the breakdown but pls dun and I'm sorry to make you worried abt me. I will be fine :)

State of loneliness

2009-12-18T14:07:00.002+08:00

It went puffy.. Flustered... And the only tot I had was to find my mum. Cos I know I will be accepted no matter wat. I really did tot abt it And even how. I'm not sure if tat will freak pple out of them if they knows. I'm still sane. I will talk abt it when I'm ready to do so. So dun ask. I'm just using this to pen down my tots. So if you are reading it now, just know. I'm ok and will be ok. I just need to know wat is required of me to move forward.

How long does a marriage last?

2009-12-17T15:39:00.003+08:00

Whilst my bestie got happily married, i have also came across news of pple i know who got divorced, be it recent or for some time.

Where is happily ever after? Is there one? It makes me wonder for my own marriage, not that we are having problems and are quarrelling till the cows come home. None of these are happening but will it happen in time to come?

Knowing that my own parents' marriage is a failure, will mine be the same? Am i losing faith in happily ever after? Suddenly the sense of loss just overwhelms me as I'm writing this post at this hr while at work.

Think I'm thinking way too much and too extreme...

Has been quite awhile

2009-12-16T01:08:00.002+08:00

Hasn't been blogging lately. There have been a couple of events, like catching up with a fren whom I have not met for 5 good yrs. Or like getting an iPhone as a pressie from jeff n he in return had his very own iPod. Like we got into a little tiff today when I got unhappy for his delayed arrival. Or having mrs yy to come by my place to visit n pass her USA loots to me.

I'm relatively surprised tat she is all ready to try for a child and embrace motherhood so soon after marriage. It's definitely a good news and I'm happy for her n SG. To an extent, I kinda envy her. At least she got to have a proper honeymoon before anything unless us who just continue to get busy at work straight after wedding. No honeymoon planned yet. Not even a short trip for togetherness. Maybe we both got too caught up at work so our interaction also got cut down. Sigh.. Take it tat I'm lamenting now. I'll be ok after awhile.

Yes, I will be ok. Oh btw, did I say tat I am blogging using my iPhone now? Hee.. Taking this opportunity to get use to typing it :)

Closed up

2009-12-02T09:25:00.003+08:00

I'm too tired to talk these past 2 days over work and others. Dun wish to speak, dun wish to think but just wanna close myself up now to protect myself. Think i will be better off this way.

Wrong again

2009-11-30T22:12:00.004+08:00

I'm in a way amazed by myself, having to wake up every single hour last nite and woke up since 5am. I couldn't sleep, yet i wasn't as tired and put myself in a busy mode so that i dun think. Was only back home an hr ago but Jeff is not back yet. Probably din wanna see me.

I'm wrong again ya? I only have here to release myself. Dun ask anything.

So much for honesty

2009-11-30T10:34:00.003+08:00

As much as i try and attempt to feed him with information which he wish to be kept updated of, it seems that i have created a backfire for myself.

Maybe at the end of the day, i shouldn't be that truthful after all. It could have been better for both of us if i just give a lie from the very beginning.

I have dug a hole for myself to fall in... how dumb am i!

Random tots

2009-11-28T13:45:00.003+08:00

Have finally hosted a buy-in dinner to my dad, bro and sis in law yesterday since they have yet to seen our new house since i got married off for almost 2 months. OK atmosphere, causal conversation - weather talk. I wonder if this will be the one and only time or there will be more to come.

Ngo's mum is in town again, transiting SG before heading back to Kuching. I envy the kind of bond they shared. I envy the kind of care they gave to each other. I regretted not doing more of such things to my mum when she is still around. I regretted taking her for granted when she is still around. I guess the regret i hold will never go away but at least it help me to remind myself to treasure my loved ones and people around me like there is no tomorrow.

Coming to 2 months soon being Mrs Ng. Time flies.... Jeff is still ever busy with work for this period of time while i continue to find myself with activities to occupy time so that i wun keep bothering him for company. No, I'm not complaining here. I'm just concerned of his health, having not enough rest when he should. I still get paranoid whenever i see him sleeping (seemingly not breathing). I wonder what happens being a married status and someone comes to you and says "i love u"... Hmmm.. OK, my tots are getting way too random now. Think I'm too bored now, waiting for Jeff to come back home from a last min work case before we can head down town to get our overdue household shopping done.

Glad

2009-11-26T01:23:00.004+08:00

Finally got to see SG and YY happily married today (or at least yday considering the time of this entry now). Was so happy to see both of them finally tying the knot. Lotsa happenings along the way of their relationship and even during the preparation of the wedding itself but i was thankful that all of these were overcome :)

As i see them going through their wedding ceremony, i kinda got reminded of my own. Well.. this was in fact my 1st wedding as a Mrs and its my best friend's :) Looking at those photos flashed during the montage, i was reminded of those good old days of growing up. We all looked so YOUNG then.. Not that I'm old now, just no longer youngER. Haha.. But i must admit that emotions and tears was welling within me as i see the happiness in her. Its never easy going on a relationship as it takes both to compromise and understand. Even until today, I'm still learning that.

Looking at how well YY is taken care of by SG, i felt glad and at ease. So my best wishes to the newly wed - Mr and Mrs Ong :) Love you guys! *muacks*

Reminded

2009-11-17T22:24:00.002+08:00

Went back to pick up my mails in the evening, finally got to see the person who is staying there. He looked like in his forties. Dunno.

Anyway while chatting with my dad, i was reminded of my mum. Reminded how fast time flies that it's coming to almost 2 years in another 4 months. Reminded that February is coming. Reminded. Reminded. Reminded.

I think i wun be enjoying CNY as much next year because it's too close to the date and there will be prayers going on during that period. Sigh.. dun like think feeling now...

break...

2009-11-12T22:59:00.002+08:00

i wish for a break... recently have been feeling moody... hoping and wishing not to work... Sigh.. Though there is a batam getaway coming, it doesn't excite me as much especially looking at Muiz's photos to Japan...

Sigh... i wish to backpack.. Jeff has been so busy lately, travelling... Dun want him to feel extra stress from me...

If only you are still around

2009-11-07T03:29:00.003+08:00

Finally i got to meet ngongo's mum today when she transit at Singapore before her trip to HK. Looking at the kind of closeness she and her mum shared, reminds me of my mummy.

If only she is still around, things would be different now. I still remember that i owe her an oversea trip together, to HK. It never realised eventually of cos. I'm not feeling sad now... just disappointment that i din act on it when i could then.

How i wish you are still ard...

Preoccupied mind

2009-11-03T20:45:00.004+08:00

Cant concentrate at work lately. Mind has been preoccupied with plenty of tots and especially with Jeff having to travel pretty frequently for this period of time, its not helping. Dun want to make him feel bad with all these travelling since its all work related. He's under pressure too.

So God, please give me peace in my mind.

No longer the same anymore

2009-11-02T16:19:00.003+08:00

Went back home last night to pack my things again from my room to make way for the future prospective tenant. My dad was out to Genting again, no one was at home except for his supposed fren who has bunked into the same room with him. Yes.. according to my bro, that person paid for his stay but neither one of us has seen this person before during our visits back home.

The moment i stepped into my "house", i dun feel home. Looking around at the living hall, there were new displays placed, fronting the TV console. It looked and felt like a foreign place to me. It dun looked like that "home" that i have stayed in for the past 10+yrs. I dun see familiarity in that place anymore, especially when Jeff "pushed" me to clear everything bit of my things out of my room, from displays to those family photo frames in my room. I dun like it. I dun like to clear but i had to. I no longer can relate to this "home" with my mum. I cant sense any familiarity that relates to my mum anymore. I dun like this feeling and i dun like the idea of my dad's fren bunking in with him. Seeing those new displays somehow irked me. It seems to me that my dad has moved on with the next phase of his life. Not that i wished to have him living in the past but i dun feel that he misses my mum, or even me.

I can never understand why my bro always leave his footwear outside of the house each time he visits becos he used to stay there. He is a resident there, not a guest! But looking at me now, i think i know why. Its no longer the place we called home, its no longer the same. Memories of my mum in that place will gradually diminish and fade away.

hubby not in town (again)

2009-10-31T00:56:00.004+08:00

He has been called to fly at the very last minute on Thurs.. so here i am now again.. lamenting his absence... Luckily i got his birthday bear (has a name k.... but tell u next time) to accompany me to sleep...

So its bedtime for me now and see hubby soon on Sun morning!

hubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubbyhubby

days without hubby

2009-10-24T12:32:00.003+08:00

is boring

is quiet

is lonely

is lack of activities

is lack of surprises

is lack of love being showered

is lack of good food cooked

is lack of help for household chores

is lack of pple fighting tv with me

What to do? 2 more days to go....

A sweet sweet wedding indeed

2009-10-12T17:15:00.003+08:00

I'm officially a MRS (finally) after all the ra-ra and who-ha for the recent few months. I cant say that i'm relieved that the wedding is over becos i had so much fun, laughter, tears and joy during then. Thanks to all my wonderful frens who have helped and gone the extra mile for us to make it happened. I enjoyed the company totally, the process totally!

I have been repeatedly watching the video clips done by Des, Chris and YuHsin. Its really repeatedly whenever i have time to watch it! Each time, it brings back the emotions i felt then at that very moment. Each time it reminds me of the love we had for each other.

My wedding celebration for the 2 days have given me so much fond memories, happy tears and surprises. Surprises like my dad actually weep for me as I'm married away and the video clip containing all the lovely wishes from my sec school besties and those from church. The feeling of being loved and treasured overwhelmed me. The wishes from my frens warmed me deep in. I thank God for all these. I know these are given by Him. Probably the only regret i had is that my mum wasn't present to witness all these. I felt that a big part of my life is probably missing without my mum's involvement for my wedding, my married life, my married life with children and growing old. But nevertheless, i hoped she has witnessed these up there =)

Wedding is only the beginning, now there is a journey of a lifetime ahead for both of us, to have, to hold and to cherish. There will bound to be challenges along the way but i have confidence that we can work things out together.

So, Thank you to all my frens who have took time off to grace through the celebration with us.

Thank you to all my besties who helped in our wedding prep along the way to the very last bit, who offered me a listening ear and a shoulder.

Thank you Jeff, for loving me and cherishing me.

And Thank you God, for making all these happening for me. Thank you =)

Coming soon

2009-09-21T23:24:00.002+08:00

2 more weeks and it will be my The Day. I cant say that im not excited but neither can i really say that im looking forward to it. I do have mix feelings recently when i came to know his "benchmarks and expectations" of me - how he hope to have me communicate to him or share things with him in a certain way.

I cant say that becos of this, we are not on talking terms. In fact, we still talk and chat and get together as per normal. But i feel that i have constantly put myself under pressure to "perform" in a certain way so as not to disappoint him. I do feel that there are times that i'm trying too hard and its not me, not natural at all. This feeling was bad, especially since last week.

Now, i felt better, more at ease, not becos Jeff is away to Hyderabad for the week but somehow things just seems to appear clearer for me. Those mixed feelings are still ard but more manageable now for me. I will be busying sending out invites this week, with Jeff not ard with me :(

Gonna miss him...

A busy yet fun day - i like =)

2009-09-10T01:06:00.001+08:00

I like this photo =)

2009-09-08T22:43:00.001+08:00

I miss again... I hope i dun and it will stop...

1 month away

2009-09-03T23:07:00.006+08:00

Time passed so quickly and i just realised today that i am exactly 1 month away from my wedding! There seems to be still things outstanding and we are slowly clearing the list, one by one.

Guess its time to pack up those feelings and keep it away permanently. I'm glad that i have frens who constantly remind me how fortunate i am with Jeff. Such reminders put me in appreciation of what he has done for me so that i will not take things for granted. Thank God for great frens!

Its time to move on and move up :)

Natasha Bedingfield - Again

2009-09-03T00:47:00.003+08:00

Got hooked onto this song lately...

Hands over my head, thinking "What else could go wrong?"
Would've stayed in bed, how can the day be so long?

Never believed that things happen for a reason
But how this turned out, removed all my doubts,
So believe, that for you I'd do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to you
So do it all over again, for you

I missed the first train, stood out in the rain, all day
But little did I know, when I caught the next train
There you were to sweep me away
Guess that's what I waited for

Never believed that things happen for a reason
But how this turned out, removed all my doubts,
So believe, that for you I'd do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to you
So do it all over again, for you

Oh, who ever thought a day gone so wrong
Would turn out so lovely?
I'm so glad I found you
Even though the day went so wrong
I wouldn't change a thing
Oh I'd do it, I'd do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to you
So do it all over again (I'd do it all over again)
I'd do it all over, I'd do it all over
I'd do it all over, for you, for you
All I went through, led me to you
So do it all over again

Who ever thought a day gone so wrong
Would turn out so lovely?
Who ever thought a day gone so wrong
Could turn out so lovely?

Love from afar

2009-09-02T00:30:00.003+08:00

Today, i have received the sweetest gift ever! Its my 1st wedding gift received and it is simply P R I C E L E S S !

It costed beyond $$. It simply touched my heart, our hearts deep down! It is beyond what words can describe and i am truly thankful that i am so blessed to have these buddies with me! Thank you God for placing them in my life, and thank you Beng and Fang for touching my life.

Thank you!

Ransacking my memory

2009-08-30T14:57:00.000+08:00

As i was searching for some childhood and schooling photos, i found my shoeboxes of "treasure" which i kept all the cards, little letters and notes of encouragements i kept then. They are from my friends in secondary school and then in church. I even kept some of their wedding invites and they are still happily married till now.

Looking back, it was really during that period when my life and character was shaped. The values, beliefs and principles i hold onto. It is undeniable that God and people in church played a big role in my life. Though i'm no longer in this walk, i'm still very thankful that i have been through it then.

And in particular, i wanna:

Thank you Mum. For your constant love and care showering over me. Even when i was rebellious then, you were still patient with me and even give into me at times. You have taken care of me very well since young, even when i'm already a grown up. Your love and concern was never reduced. My biggest regret is that i din have the chance to honor and take care of you well enough when you are around. Your sudden departure... I miss you Mum and i thank you for you being my mother.

Thank you Abba Father. You have died for me for my redemption and even though i've walked far from You now, i know You have never given up on me. Your everlasting love and grace is something i never deserved but You have showered onto me no matter what. Thank you for placing the right people in my life. Thank you for making who i am and who i will be.

Thank you Buddies who have constantly made the effort to keep in touch with me even though i'm no longer in church (you should know who you are if you are reading this). Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for being that direction, help and support whenever i'm lost or in need. You have touched my life in big and small ways. Thank you for being my friend, my buddy.

And there is one i can never finish my thanks to. Jeff. Thank you for loving me, taking care of me, being my listening ear, being my constant support especially during the time when my mum has left. You sacrificed 1.5yrs of your life and stayed with me to help me get through my grief. Your big heart for me constantly warmed my heart. Thank you for being you with no agendas, no mask and thank you again for loving me.

I also want to thank all my friends that i know. In big and small ways, you have brought me laughter and joy. Thank you for your companionship. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for being my friend, my lunch kakis. You have made a difference in my life.

THANK YOU :)

Official Rudolph

2009-08-27T23:46:00.000+08:00

I have finally gone for my facial again today after lagging for 2months and the process was O U C H ! Squeezing of my stubborn heads and wat not! It felt even worse than my 1st facial experience! So my face now is all patchy red, especially the nose and hopefully it will subside by tomorrow morning... otherwise, i will really have to brave the office with my little red nose and be the "rudolph" of the day..

So lets hope not tomorrow ;)

In good hands

2009-08-24T23:32:00.000+08:00

A fren shared with me today as i was lamenting how behind time i was for all my wedding preps (partly delayed due to the saga).

"Most important is that you have gotten the top of the list checked, a LOVELY MAN to marry"

And i have found tat lovely man, with a big heart for me =) I am very blessed to have him. Cant imagine how my life will be if its not him.

As i start to gear myself up with the preps, i must also constantly remind myself not to get too caught up with it. At the end of the day, its not about THE perfect wedding but its about working towards THE perfect marriage through each other's imperfectness. I think im all sorted out now and i know what is good for me and us eventually =)

So thank you my fren if you are reading this post. And also thanks to all my frens (again) for your invisible support and encouragement. I'm glad i have you.

Thank you (",)

Starting again

2009-08-22T13:23:00.001+08:00

Issues are appearing to be worked out after yday's dinner, though i know that the mark will be there. Not sure if it will be there for good but at least we have both decided to get things reworked and start again. He really has a big heart for me and I'm glad.

I'm feeling much lighter now as compared to the past few terrible days with sleepless nights and stuffs. There are things that I have to change too, for the better for both of us. I dun wish to get into there again. Whatever that has happened will be thrown out of me. So ya.. we will be planning for a pre-trip before The Day to get ourselves back on the move again. Just us, with no agendas and I will take this time to get myself recovered from the strain.

I know my postings for the past few days have been worrying and if you are keeping track of it, I appreciated your concern and support, really, deep down. Thank you for your prayers and love.

Thank you for being that invisible support for me during these "bad" times.

Thank you.

Still on emo ride

2009-08-20T17:58:00.000+08:00

It seems to be a move on but yet it seems not. There is still no clear path ahead. 1.5yrs as the timeline? As the trial? Will it ended up like my stranger family? I dunno.. What has happened has became a scar, now a mark. How will it go away? When will it go away? Will it ever go away? The last thing i need now is more grilling..

So dun ask, dun grill. Just dun do anything. I need time to get over with things. I need time to get rid of my emo ride.